The Insignificant Life of Bert
Synopsis
The Insignificant Life of Bert tells the gripping story of two unlikely school friends, Bertie Ball and Charlie Gray, as they navigate the treacherous waters of the music industry while facing their personal demons. At 16, Charlie battled cancer, while Bert struggled with ADHD, sexual addiction, and the fallout from a dysfunctional Jewish-Arabic household.
Initially, Bert spent two years bullying Charlie in grammar school. However, their shared passion for music transformed their relationship into a complex partnership aimed at achieving global superstardom. They formed a band and began writing songs together, but their journey was fraught with conflict, moving from bullying to psychological warfare. Bonded by emotional turmoil and a desire to challenge each other’s egos, their path was marked by chaos, failed relationships, failed bands, and failed records. Ultimately it was a path to failure.
Each chapter finds Bert in a different city, touring with various bands, yet always returning to Charlie to continue their tumultuous collaboration. Written in a stream of consciousness style, Bert pontificates on life, religion, wars, drugs, and the torture of being a creative. His hilarious adventures in travelling showbands, encounters with weird and shady characters, and moments of self-discovery form the heart of the narrative.
Extract
‘Charlie had decided to go Bahrain to DJ for a few months, and of course it didn’t take long before he got himself arrested, locked up, beaten up, and eventually thrown out of the country. Apparently, some gay Arab men took a fancy to him one night over a game of cards, but the feelings weren’t reciprocated. Charlie ran to the local police station to complain and seek refuge from the planned gay gang bang, but the plan backfired and they arrested Charlie instead. I guess it was a little insensitive of me, but I urinated from happiness when I heard’.
Unapologetic, raw, and authentic, ‘The Insignificant Life of Bert’ delves into the struggle with failure in a powerful and often humorous way. It addresses the challenges, disappointments, and personal demons that all creatives face, whether they are musicians, writers, actors, or YouTubers. Unlike many stories that focus on endless success, this book authentically portrays the reality of failure and its effects on the human psyche, making it relatable to anyone who has pursued a creative dream.
The book is aimed at the 20-40 age group. This age bracket best represents the creatives during the peak of their career, and 40 is about the time they surrender their dreams. ‘The Insignificant Life of Bert’ highlights the struggles of being a creative guru, and not succeeding. Whilst the world of social media is full of fake bravado and stories of overnight rags to riches, the reality is that most creatives fail spectacularly, and ‘The Insignificant Life of Bert’ highlights this statistic in a humorous and engaging manner.
Short Biography
Hi, I’m Bertie Ball from Leeds, England, the son of Egyptian Jewish immigrants, who spent most of his life in a mildly happy drug induced daze. I laugh and smile at the world, and refuse to take anything too seriously, except for sex, which I take very seriously until I get some. I’m an authority on doing things wrong, yet in all the mistakes I’ve made, I’ve somehow managed to find success in business, although I swear I’ve lost more money than I’ve ever made. Bored one summer morning in June 2023, I decided to write a book, as all the songs I’d ever written as a musician never produced any hit records. I opened the laptop, grabbed a coffee and thought, let me tell the world what an asshole I’ve been, and the shit I put other people through at the hands of my own insanity. My first book ‘The Insignificant Life of Bert’ focuses on my insane relationship with my bestist friend at school, Charlie, and our doomed journey on the road to musical failure. It was a battle of egos and one upmanship for 20 years.
I’m 66 now, with a mental age of 12, and all my own hair. I don’t have a wife, I don’t have a girlfriend, I don’t have a dog, I don’t have a cat, and I hate long walks in the park. I don’t eat Tofu, poo poo, berries or any of that vegan stuff that the world wants to shove down my throat, but I do love chocolates, crisps, and cheese on toast. Ahhhhhh – but I do have a daughter. She claims to be as mad as me, which is an outrageous claim. However, she now has one of the most dangerous jobs on earth, so I think she is madder than me. God I’m proud of her.